Thursday, April 8, 2010

Moving Horizons

Hello world. I am a Mormon young man who is attracted to other men.

Wow. I can’t believe I finally said that.

Whether I am gay, suffer from same sex attraction or am a MoHo (as I have come to learn is the going term these days) all I know is that I have been silently screaming for over half of my life now. And I am weary from the constant battle.

If you knew me (and some of you might), you would never know. I have tried to be an open minded, optimistic person, looking for the good in everyone and every situation. I have gone on plenty of harmless dates with women, hoping one might spark a flame that would drown out my other leanings. But that has never happened.

So in the solitude of my own being, I have suppressed everything I feel and everything I am in order to reconcile myself and my religion, which has defined my entire life. I have been living in two completely different worlds simultaneously, and recently I have begun to feel that I may lose my mind and more in that private struggle.

In my mind, these two worlds can never meet, but maybe I am wrong. So I am here, opening up like never before, writing these details about myself in the hopes that instead of watching from the sidelines, I might be able to learn from you and contribute to the discussions that I have already benefited from.

I promise I will try to post regularly. Believe me, after holding everything in for so long there is a lot to talk about. I look forward to interacting with you and having invigorating discussions as I explore my moving horizons.



    Your picture just made me want to use caps because it feels like I need to yodel to you up on that craggy rock of yours.

    I'm probably the least moho-ish focused of the moho blogs, but I do lurk around! I'm the lurker!

    Welcome mister! It's nice to meet you-deleheehooooo. haha i'm lameX100.

  2. Welcome to the moho blog world! I could have written this exact post a few years ago. Blogging is an awesome way to get your thoughts out and get feedback from others (and there are many many many) who have gone through similar experiences. Good luck :)

  3. Thanks for the early words of encouragement!

    To pgf: Your comment on my picture made me think more about it. It most certainly does not represent me “speaking down from the mountain.”

    It could be an expression joy or outrage, Or a simple representation of a letter celebrating my alma mater or a word questioning the heavens. It could be a dawning of a new day or the sunset after a hard fight. It could represent the triumph over an obstacle or a physical manifestation of defeat. Simply put, I think it accurately describes the duality in my life right now. (And I like the photo.)

    To darkdrearywilderness: I hope you find the stability you are looking for. If you find it, let me know where it is. I need some too. Also because I was travelling this past weekend, I didn’t get any conference in either. And I am not sure how I feel about that yet. I know and love Las Vegas and am glad you do too. Also, hang in there with your diet. I am in the midst of one myself (1600 calories a day if you were wondering) and have already started to lose some weight. If you ever need any encouragement, let me know.

  4. Welcome brother! It's always a delightful surprise to see another voice appear in the chorus. You will find great comfort and strength in learning how much of your experience parallels so many others'--including, apparently, my own. I loved the phrases about silent screams and two lives; I called it two hearts, two spirits inside, each constantly at the other's throat. Just the realization that I wasn't alone made a miraculous difference, and blogging changed my life completely. It helped me find that peace and reconciliation you're now starting to search for. Welcome to the family!

  5. Welcome to the cool kids club ;) Looking forward to your future posts.

  6. Welcome! Excited to hear more about your story.

  7. Yes, it's always exciting to meet someone new who is a fellow MOHO. I look forward to getting to know you better.

  8. Wow. Thanks for the love! (I honestly didn't have a clue if anyone would even want to read what I post, but I have been encouraged by your comments.) I look forward to learning all about you too.

  9. I add my welcome to those above. They have all become friends.

  10. Me too. Welcome! I love your insight and sincerity.

  11. Having been there myself, I certainly understand the phrases "silently screaming" and "living in two completely different worlds simultaneously." I also understand not fully understanding where to categorize yourself or wondering if your two worlds can ever meet. I felt the same way. Whatever happens in your journey, I hope you find peace, happiness, joy, and fulfillment. Blogging is a great way to sort through your feelings (at least it was for me). I look forward to hearing more about your experiences.