Six Years Out

Six years ago, I came out on this blog. It feels like yesterday and, simultaneously, a lifetime ago.

It feels like yesterday that I started to brave the online world with how I truly felt. Seems only yesterday that I reached out to other gay Mormon bloggers (who I am still friends with today). Seems only yesterday that I was wrestling with two halves of me, not knowing that I could be complete and whole as a distinct individual. Seems only yesterday that the world was simpler, black and white, and easier.

Yet, I look back over the past six years and I am floored by how much has happened and how distant my old life seems. Going to church with my family (when I have the chance) seems foreign to me with only a hint of distant familiarity. My old thoughts and thinking patterns seem labored and heavy compared to the lightness I experience today while contemplating life. It seems a lifetime ago that I discovered the world has so many colors, hues and diversity that makes it truly beautiful.

The world has changed. Gay marriage is now legal. Slowly, there is more acceptance in the world. Information is readily available and communication is easy for anyone needing love, support or help. I've had close gay couples who are dear friends marry (some divorce), adopt children and start their own families. It seems that a lifetime of change has happened in only a few short years.

We still have a long way to go. Policies change, laws are introduced, intolerance still exists. But we are stronger together. We cannot become complacent and forget where we have come from only a few short years ago. Yet we can also celebrate all we have accomplished and push forward, including making personal progress, enhancing friendships and building up the community we have created.

Six years ago I came out on this blog. And in what seems like both a brief moment in time and vast era of change, I've never been happier.

Five Years Out

Five years out. I can hardly believe it myself.

A half decade of truly being me! In the past five years, I’ve been on such a journey. From helping out the gay Mormon community to then focusing more on my own health and stability, I’ve found that true happiness comes from both serving others and from within. And I’m happier than ever.

I’m going through so much change right now, but change is good. It

keeps you humble and moving forward. Everything is up in the air right now—my job, where I live, what my future may hold. But the one thing that has been constant is the close circle of friends and family who support me through everything. I even still have friends I met from this very blog.

That’s why I still keep this blog up even though most of the Mohosphere seems to have migrated to Facebook and beyond. Every year I look back, read through my posts and see how far I have come. And if it can be helpful at all in other people’s pursuit of peace, then all the better.

Four Years Out: My Bachelor's Degree in Being Gay

I can't believe it has been four years since I came out to myself. Four years of learning who I am again. Four years of wonderful new experiences. Four years of education about what that means for the rest of my life. Today, I receive my bachelor's degree in being gay.

Like any other four-year degree, I've had my ups and downs. I've had some of the best teachers--my family and friends--who have taught me about love and who helped support me through it all. I've also had the hard professor of life teach me about bigotry, hate and misunderstanding. More than anything though, I've learned how to experience joy--my own and that of others--and live authentically, striving to be my best self everyday.

I like the person I've become, and I'm proud of my heritage. I'm proud to be a gay Mormon. I'm proud of the way my family has grown to accept me. I'm proud that I have been able to give back to the community in my own way, from deeply personal relationships to helping out a number of gay/Mormon organizations.

I certainly haven't learned everything yet--there is so much more to come. So I've decided to carry on and pursue an advanced degree in being gay. I just hope it doesn't take four more years to graduate with honors by finding a husband!

Three Years Out

It has been three years to the day since I came out to myself. Three years since I first said the words, “Hello world. I am a Mormon young man who is attracted to other men.” Three years of happiness and sadness, triumph and failure, ups and downs, as any full life tends to have.

I’ve come out to everyone. I’ve lived an authentic life. I’ve organized advocacy groups and counseled those in urgent need. I’ve discussed the needs of gay Mormons in the White House. I’ve been to Pride celebrations in four different cities. I’ve celebrated with people as they marry their same-sex partners. I’ve been surprised by allies I never expected. I’ve made some of the best friends in my life. And I’ve been in love.

On the other hand, I’ve been defriended for advocating marriage equality. I’ve experienced a militant bishop and attended church less regularly. I’ve lost the ability to go to the temple over technicalities. I’ve cried because sometimes I still don’t understand why I am. And I’ve suffered heartbreak that stings.

To me, the positives outweigh the negatives. I’m still standing and smiling. I’m still the same person I’ve always been. I’m still the son/friend/uncle/coworker who strives to be good and helps others be happy. And I’m still growing, learning and loving.

The best part about coming out has been the conversations with family, friends and even strangers, bearing my soul and providing a familiar face for the issues that homosexuality and religion raise. Eyes have been opened, hearts warmed and tears shed.

It has been three years since I came out. I’m only at the beginning of my journey, and the road ahead is still unknown. But now, I know I am not alone and that makes all the difference.

Giving Our Lives for Ransom

I did not know Todd Ransom, nor the other gay Mormons who have given their lives up recently as their last measure of sacrifice. But I have talked to my friends, his friends, people whose lives he had touched for good, and seen the outpouring of love online in the days following the news of his suicide to know what a remarkable young man he was.

I cannot assume the reasoning for giving up his life was based purely on the conflict between being gay and Mormon. But it had to certainly play a large part. His last post “Sunrise - accept this offering - Sunrise” brings me to tears. I know all too well the clash of the mind, heart and soul while trying to reconcile one’s being with the seemingly incompatible spiritual beliefs the Mormon faith teaches. I was ready to sacrifice my own life in a different way, by forcing myself to marry a woman, in order to show my last measure of devotion to the eternal plan I had been taught. Hardly even knowing him, I would have been there for Todd in every way I possibly could before he made his final sacrifice.

As gay Mormons, we are extraordinarily familiar with the concept of sacrifice in order to find favor with our religion and our God. Many of us have denied who we are, our happiness and our well-being in order to find spiritual comfort and acceptance to a strictly held view of righteousness. Many of us would gladly pay a steep ransom for the sure knowledge that our souls were saved in the life to come. Unfortunately, too many think the heavy price of that ransom can only be paid with their lives.

Let’s give of our souls in service for that ransom. Let’s try harder to be a true friend to those who are struggling. Let’s try harder to be more open and express our own needs and weaknesses. Let’s try harder to help open the eyes of those we come in contact with to show them we are as deserving of God’s love and mercy as anyone else. Let’s try harder to provide refuge for the weary, for those who have known anguish, self-loathing and grief, for those who feel they have been rejected for no other reason than who they are.

We are all imperfect individuals, but that does not decrease our capacity to love. I know of no other group of people as needing of the loving embrace of acceptance and support as our fellow gay brothers and lesbian sisters in the Mormon church. Though we may rail about why the church and many of its members chose to ignore this issue as lives are lost, and though we may publicly march to send a loud message of tolerance and understanding, we must face the fact that change comes slowly.

Because progress is measured in glacial increments when it comes to the church and homosexuality, it falls to us to create the safe haven so many gay Mormons desperately need. It falls to us to not let our own insecurities and quick judgments get in the way of offering our friendship and love to every one of God’s children. It falls to us to convey to our fellow gay Mormons that they are not alone, that they are loved and that they are accepted because one suicide, let alone three, is too many.

Let’s give our lives for Ransom.