Three Years Out

It has been three years to the day since I came out to myself. Three years since I first said the words, “Hello world. I am a Mormon young man who is attracted to other men.” Three years of happiness and sadness, triumph and failure, ups and downs, as any full life tends to have.

I’ve come out to everyone. I’ve lived an authentic life. I’ve organized advocacy groups and counseled those in urgent need. I’ve discussed the needs of gay Mormons in the White House. I’ve been to Pride celebrations in four different cities. I’ve celebrated with people as they marry their same-sex partners. I’ve been surprised by allies I never expected. I’ve made some of the best friends in my life. And I’ve been in love.

On the other hand, I’ve been defriended for advocating marriage equality. I’ve experienced a militant bishop and attended church less regularly. I’ve lost the ability to go to the temple over technicalities. I’ve cried because sometimes I still don’t understand why I am. And I’ve suffered heartbreak that stings.

To me, the positives outweigh the negatives. I’m still standing and smiling. I’m still the same person I’ve always been. I’m still the son/friend/uncle/coworker who strives to be good and helps others be happy. And I’m still growing, learning and loving.

The best part about coming out has been the conversations with family, friends and even strangers, bearing my soul and providing a familiar face for the issues that homosexuality and religion raise. Eyes have been opened, hearts warmed and tears shed.

It has been three years since I came out. I’m only at the beginning of my journey, and the road ahead is still unknown. But now, I know I am not alone and that makes all the difference.

Should I Tell My Bishop?

I need some advice.

Mentally, I am gearing up to tell my parents about my "struggle with same sex attraction." I phrase it that way because I believe that it would be the only way they could handle the news.

I'm heading home in the summer for a few days, and I feel a growing responsibility to share with them what my life has been like. (I'll write more about that and my family later, I promise.)

In preparation for their questions, many of which I do not have answers for, I am sure they will ask if I have ever talked to my bishop about it.

I never have. Should I?

I have not mentioned it up until now because I don't want the change in attitude I am sure would accompany such news. I am a solid member, trustworthy and responsible. The bishop is a good friend of mine and, I am inclined to believe, liberally minded.

But I am the same person I have always been, and I don't want the way people treat me to change.

One of my hesitations is that I don't want a negative mark on my church record. I don't want to open a pathway to disfellowship, even if it is just because of the way I feel. Right now I am not sure of what course I should take because I don't want to screw up my eternal salvation.

I have never consciously done anything "wrong." I am not a bad person. I have never talked to a bishop about anything personal besides temple recommend questions, and even then, most of those are yes and no questions.

I must admit that I am a very independent person. I have isolated myself and my emotions in an attempt to ignore the gnawing ache of my attraction. I hardly ever ask for help, so when I do, I have a genuine need.

What might a bishop counsel me to do, besides the obvious: pray, read the scriptures, etc.? I have already happened upon a church pamphlet on homosexuality that really didn't help.

I am also wary of organized support groups because of my aforementioned pride and independence. From the left (Affirmation) to the right (Evergreen), I don't want to be brainwashed. Plus, I don't think right now I could even show my face at a meeting.

So I need your guidance and knowledge based from experience. Should I tell my bishop?