Three Years Out

It has been three years to the day since I came out to myself. Three years since I first said the words, “Hello world. I am a Mormon young man who is attracted to other men.” Three years of happiness and sadness, triumph and failure, ups and downs, as any full life tends to have.

I’ve come out to everyone. I’ve lived an authentic life. I’ve organized advocacy groups and counseled those in urgent need. I’ve discussed the needs of gay Mormons in the White House. I’ve been to Pride celebrations in four different cities. I’ve celebrated with people as they marry their same-sex partners. I’ve been surprised by allies I never expected. I’ve made some of the best friends in my life. And I’ve been in love.

On the other hand, I’ve been defriended for advocating marriage equality. I’ve experienced a militant bishop and attended church less regularly. I’ve lost the ability to go to the temple over technicalities. I’ve cried because sometimes I still don’t understand why I am. And I’ve suffered heartbreak that stings.

To me, the positives outweigh the negatives. I’m still standing and smiling. I’m still the same person I’ve always been. I’m still the son/friend/uncle/coworker who strives to be good and helps others be happy. And I’m still growing, learning and loving.

The best part about coming out has been the conversations with family, friends and even strangers, bearing my soul and providing a familiar face for the issues that homosexuality and religion raise. Eyes have been opened, hearts warmed and tears shed.

It has been three years since I came out. I’m only at the beginning of my journey, and the road ahead is still unknown. But now, I know I am not alone and that makes all the difference.

Giving Our Lives for Ransom

I did not know Todd Ransom, nor the other gay Mormons who have given their lives up recently as their last measure of sacrifice. But I have talked to my friends, his friends, people whose lives he had touched for good, and seen the outpouring of love online in the days following the news of his suicide to know what a remarkable young man he was.

I cannot assume the reasoning for giving up his life was based purely on the conflict between being gay and Mormon. But it had to certainly play a large part. His last post “Sunrise - accept this offering - Sunrise” brings me to tears. I know all too well the clash of the mind, heart and soul while trying to reconcile one’s being with the seemingly incompatible spiritual beliefs the Mormon faith teaches. I was ready to sacrifice my own life in a different way, by forcing myself to marry a woman, in order to show my last measure of devotion to the eternal plan I had been taught. Hardly even knowing him, I would have been there for Todd in every way I possibly could before he made his final sacrifice.

As gay Mormons, we are extraordinarily familiar with the concept of sacrifice in order to find favor with our religion and our God. Many of us have denied who we are, our happiness and our well-being in order to find spiritual comfort and acceptance to a strictly held view of righteousness. Many of us would gladly pay a steep ransom for the sure knowledge that our souls were saved in the life to come. Unfortunately, too many think the heavy price of that ransom can only be paid with their lives.

Let’s give of our souls in service for that ransom. Let’s try harder to be a true friend to those who are struggling. Let’s try harder to be more open and express our own needs and weaknesses. Let’s try harder to help open the eyes of those we come in contact with to show them we are as deserving of God’s love and mercy as anyone else. Let’s try harder to provide refuge for the weary, for those who have known anguish, self-loathing and grief, for those who feel they have been rejected for no other reason than who they are.

We are all imperfect individuals, but that does not decrease our capacity to love. I know of no other group of people as needing of the loving embrace of acceptance and support as our fellow gay brothers and lesbian sisters in the Mormon church. Though we may rail about why the church and many of its members chose to ignore this issue as lives are lost, and though we may publicly march to send a loud message of tolerance and understanding, we must face the fact that change comes slowly.

Because progress is measured in glacial increments when it comes to the church and homosexuality, it falls to us to create the safe haven so many gay Mormons desperately need. It falls to us to not let our own insecurities and quick judgments get in the way of offering our friendship and love to every one of God’s children. It falls to us to convey to our fellow gay Mormons that they are not alone, that they are loved and that they are accepted because one suicide, let alone three, is too many.

Let’s give our lives for Ransom.

The Mormon Case for South Park’s Book of Mormon Broadway Musical

The creators of “South Park,” the composer from “Avenue Q” and the director of “Shrek: The Musical” are teaming up to write and produce a musical comedy about Mormons which will debut on Broadway early next year.

Cheyenne Jackson is attached to the project to star as a Mormon missionary serving in a third-world country as the stories of the early church and background of “The Book of Mormon” are told simultaneously.

I am not sure what to think of this quite yet. The combination of those four creative forces is bound to come up with a result that will drive people to go see it, politically correct or not. The marketing machine will be unstoppable.

I am sure there will be an uproar about this endeavor, especially in LDS communities. There will be testimonies born on how the world cannot make fun of what a religious group holds sacred, Facebook groups pledging against it and attempts to boycott or stop the production.

But the production is moving forward regardless, which is why I have chosen to hope for the best. Actually, now that I think about it, I may even be excited about it.

Let me explain my reasoning.

“South Park” and its showrunners, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, have actually been quite generous to Mormons over the course of the show. They have said to the press that they grew up around Mormons and admire the faith. Compared to other religions and organizations, Mormonism has gotten an easy ride on the oft-controversial show.

One episode had Satan’s doorman deadpanning that “Mormon is the correct answer” to a group of protesting religious devotees in hell, another depicted Joseph Smith as a superhero, and the one dedicated episode about the religion, “All About the Mormons,” essentially had a positive depiction of good people of the Mormon faith and was nowhere near as crass and offensive as it could have been. It was a story that had heart.

The writer and composer of “Avenue Q,” Robert Lopez, knows how to write a solid show with catchy music. Remember, “Avenue Q” beat “Wicked” for best musical that year. And he wrote another fantastic and fun musical, “Finding Nemo,” that plays in Disney theme parks.

“Shrek: The Musical” director, Jason Moore, translated the beloved and farcical animated movie beautifully to stage with powerhouse songs and staging, attracting top talent and putting on a show with heart. It was a fun show that had good messages and was an uplifting story, though crude at times.

Cheyenne Jackson can really sing and has a dedicated audience thanks to his previous theatrical work and his role on “30 Rock” (not to mention Cheyenne Jackson as a Mormon missionary would have me buy a ticket in an instant).

Simply put, I think that as potentially edgy as the show might be (though for Broadway, shows are fairly family friendly), “The Book Of Mormon” musical comedy will be a well-written, composed, directed and performed production with a decent message.

Trey Parker even said to the media, “I’ve never met a Mormon I didn’t like. They’re really nice people. They’re so Disney. They’re so Rodgers and Hammerstein.”

So for now, I remain cautiously optimistic and hope for the best, knowing that what they create will have some bite, quality music and a whole lot of heart. To the rest of Mormondom, let’s not rail against this like it the spawn of pure evil ushering in Armageddon. I may be wrong, but this might actually be good.

Plus, it is bound to be better than “The Book of Mormon Movie.” I mean, that was bad.

P.S.

What if it wins a Tony?

Moving Horizons

Hello world. I am a Mormon young man who is attracted to other men.

Wow. I can’t believe I finally said that.

Whether I am gay, suffer from same sex attraction or am a MoHo (as I have come to learn is the going term these days) all I know is that I have been silently screaming for over half of my life now. And I am weary from the constant battle.

If you knew me (and some of you might), you would never know. I have tried to be an open minded, optimistic person, looking for the good in everyone and every situation. I have gone on plenty of harmless dates with women, hoping one might spark a flame that would drown out my other leanings. But that has never happened.

So in the solitude of my own being, I have suppressed everything I feel and everything I am in order to reconcile myself and my religion, which has defined my entire life. I have been living in two completely different worlds simultaneously, and recently I have begun to feel that I may lose my mind and more in that private struggle.

In my mind, these two worlds can never meet, but maybe I am wrong. So I am here, opening up like never before, writing these details about myself in the hopes that instead of watching from the sidelines, I might be able to learn from you and contribute to the discussions that I have already benefited from.

I promise I will try to post regularly. Believe me, after holding everything in for so long there is a lot to talk about. I look forward to interacting with you and having invigorating discussions as I explore my moving horizons.